Monday, June 10, 2013

DAFT PUNK REVIEW IN TWO PARTS (EPILOGUE) LOL THAT SHIT SOUND FANCY "EPILOGUE" LOLZ

 
YO SO HERE IS THE SECOND DAFT PUNK REVIEW I WROTE FOR VICE THAT DID NOT AIR FOR BASKETBALL REASONS. THE CLOSING IS THE OPENING OF THE FIRST JOINT BECAUSE I AM LAZY AND CUT CORNERS FUCK YALL NIGGAS MAN YALL NIGGAS AIN'T PAYIN ME, HIT MY PAYPAL IF YOU WANNA HAVE AN OPINION ON MY WORK HABITS NIGGA.

HERE IT IS...



GIVE LIFE BACK TO MUSIC
OH THIS IS A VERY AMBITIOUS TRACK GUYS VERY AMBITIOUS THE TITLE IS FULL OF AMBITION LIKE A PERKY BREASTED STARLET ARRIVING IN LOS ANGELEEZ. YO I DONT KNOW WHERE THAT LAST SENTENCE CAME FROM I WAS CHANNELING A FAILED NOVELIST THAT IS NOW A MUSIC JOURNALISTICAL NIGGA. JUST KIDDING, I DONT KNOW WHY BUT THIS SOUNDS JAPANESE AS FUCK. I KNOW THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE CUZ THESE NIGGAS ARE FRENCH BUT THIS IS WHAT JAPANESE NIGGAS ARE INTO RIGHT? DENTIST OFFICE JAMZ? NO? WHAT ARE THEY INTO THEN? BESIDES PUTTING AMPHIBIANS IN WOMENS VAGINA HOLES?


 


THE GAME OF  LOVE
-OPEN SCENE-
ROBOT IN FEDORA HOVERS INTO BAR, HE IS SAD BUT MYSTERIOUS. OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS ROBOTICAL EYE HE SEES HER…HER. SHE PLAYED A GAME WITH HIS MOTHERBOARD. A GAME OF LOVE."
-CLOSE SCENE-
YO THIS IS THE SOUNDTRACK FOR AN 80'S MOVIE ABOUT A LOVE AFFAIR BETWEEN TWO ROBOTS MY NIGGA. IT COULD JUST BE THE SOUNDTRACK FOR A ROMANCE BETWEEN TWO EUROPEAN NIGGAS IN BOOT CUT JEANS AND SHOES THAT LOOK LIKE SOCKS BUT SINCE THESE NIGGAS DO EVERYTHING IN ROBOT VOICE ALL I SEE IS FUCKIN ROBOT INTRIGUE AND DECEPTION OF THE HEART B. THIS IS PRETTY GOOD MUSIC TO FUCK TO I GUESS IF YOU ARE A BELGIAN ANDROID FROM 1987. I'M NOT MAD AT IT I'M GONNA GO FUCK THE SHIT OUTTA MY IPAD (JUST KIDDING I'M POOR I DON'T HAVE AN IPAD LOL)

 


 GIORGIO BY MORODER
YO MUSICALLY THIS IS NOT BAD ITS KINDA SOME DISCOISH "FONKY BAZELION" FRENCH SHIT BUT THEY FUCKED IT UP BY HAVING GERARD DEPARDIEU TELLING ME HIS WHOLE FUCKIN LIFE STORY OVER THE SHIT LIKE I GIVE A FUCK. I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR GUITAR AND YOUR "DISCOTHEQUE" STORY "GIORGIO" YOU SOUND LIKE YOU SHOULD BE DESIGNING WOMEN'S EVENING WEAR BRUH WHY ARE YOU BLOWING MY MOLLY HIGH WITH YOUR ANECDOTAL BULLSHIT? HEY DAFT GUYS NOT EVERYONE THAT BUYS THIS ALBUM WANTS A WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHIT BRUH. LETS STICK TO THE BOUNCY EURO JAMS. AFTER BAMBINO RAGAZZO FINISHES REGALING US WITH TALES OF STUDIO EQUIPMENT THIS SONG IS PRETTY OK IT REMINDS ME OF PLAYING SONIC THE HEDGEHOG WITH MY LIL BROTHER TITO WHICH IS A POSITIVE MEMORY FROM MY CHILDHOOD SO SHOUTOUT TO THESE GUYS. TOWARDS THE END THESE NIGGAS WENT HAMMER WITH THE WHISTLY FIREWORKS NOISE OVER THE GUITAR SOLO AND THAT SHIT WAS WAY TOO INTENSE FOR ME B SHIT SOUNDED LIKE A MICROWAVE HAVING AN ORGASM.

 


WITHIN
HAHAHAHA THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT I IMAGINE CELINE DION TO SOUND LIKE CHOPPED & SCREWED. LIKE EXACTLY B I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. IF I HAD "AUDIO ENGINEERING SOFTWARE" I WOULD SPEED THIS SHIT UP TO SEE IF ITS THESE TRICKY ASS FRENCHMANS TRYNA PULL A FAST ONE BECAUSE THEY COOL WITH CELINE DION AND NIGGAS IS TRYNA MAKE A JOKE AT THE EXPENSE OF AMERICANS. WHICH IS COOL GUYS I'LL LAUGH WITH Y'ALL BECAUSE I AM DOMINICAN AND AM JUST TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE EXCHANGE RATE AND GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES BEFORE I ABSCOND BACK TO THE MOTHERLAND AND USE MY RICHES TO HAVE SOME HAITIAN NIGGAS BUILD ME A MANSION WITH A POOL FULL OF THE TEARS OF BROKE NIGGAS AND BEAUTIFUL WOMENS PEEPEE. (JUST KIDDING URINE IS FUCKING GROSS)

 


INSTANT CRUSH
OK MY PALS NOW WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS CARLTON RAY JEEPSPIN CHOPPED & SCREWED? AM I BUGGIN OR DOES THIS SOUND LIKE SOME 1991 SHIT? PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I GOT MY ERAS FUCKED UP BUT THE ONLY SHIT THAT'S MAKING ME THINK THIS CAME OUT IN 2013 IS THE FACT THAT I DOWNLOADED IT ON THE INTERNET AND THE INTERNET WASN'T A "THING" IN 1991. YO REMEMBER WHEN NIGGAS HAD TO DOWNLOAD "WAV" FILES?! THAT WAS SUCH A FUCKING STRUGGLE BRUH. I THOUGHT I WAS THE FUCKIN MAN IN THOSE SEMI-EARLY INTERNET DAYS CUZ MY MOMS SOMEHOW GOT A COMPUTER AND INTERNET AND I WAS PLAYING QUAKE AND LISTENING TO 20 SECOND CLIPS OF RAP MUSIC ON A LOOP. I THOUGHT I WAS RICH, WHAT A DICK RIGHT? I HAD 2 PAIRS OF PANTS B I GOT SOME NERVE.

 


LOSE YOURSELF TO DANCE
YO THESE JOINTS ARE STARTING TO SOUND KINDA SIMILAR RIGHT NOW B. AT LEAST JEAN PIERRE & THEM TOOK A BREAK FROM MAKING ME LISTEN TO CYBORG CROONING AND SWITCHED IT UP WITH PHARRELL YELPING ALL OVER THIS SHIT. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE AT FOREVER21 RIGHT NOW. THIS IS VERY CONTEMPORARY BITCH FASHION MUSIC RIGHT NOW. LIKE IF THEY AIN'T PLAYING THIS AT VICTORIA'S SECRET RIGHT NOW WHILE BITCHES BROWSE YOGA PANTS THEY ARE FUCKING UP BIGTIME. THIS IS MUCH MORE CLASSY THAN FLO RIDA SO IF YOU AN ASSISTANT MANAGER YOU SHOULD PROLLY BRING THIS TO YOUR MANAGER AND MAYBE YOU MIGHT COULD GET A .19 CENT RAISE AND AN EXTRA PERSONAL DAY.

 


TOUCH
REMEMBER THAT OMARION SONG "TOUCH"? HAHAHAHA OMARION SAID HE WAS BISEXUAL. MY NIGGA THAT SOUNDS LIKE A COPOUT. I UNDERSTAND YOU AN R&B DUDE AND NEED THAT FEMALE AUDIENCE BUT ITS 2013 DUDER, BEING GAY IS OK. ANYWAY THIS IS NOT THAT SONG THIS STARTS OFF WITH A NIGGA THAT SOUNDS LIKE HUGH JACKMAN IN A MUSICAL DOING SOME SPOKEN WORD BULLSHIT. THEN THEY CHIKKA CHIKKA ISAAC HAYES GUITAR COMES IN ON SOME COOL 70'S SHIT. OH HERE COMES THE HEAVENLY STRINGS THEN A DRUM ROLL FOLLOWED BY ELTON JOHN PIANO IF ELTON JOHN RAN A SALOON ON MARS IN 1823.  I FEEL LIKE WHEN MARTY MCFLY DRESSED UP LIKE A COWBOY IN BACK TO THE FUTURE 3…WAS THAT BACK TO THE FUTURE 3? WHO GIVES A SHIT MICHAEL J FOX WAS AT THE KNICK GAME LAST NIGHT SHAKIN LIKE A KITTEN IN A DOG POUND. SOMEHOW THIS SHIT TURNED INTO AN ALIEN WEDDING SONG THEN A KANYE WEST SONG THEN AN ANDRE 3000 POEM. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? DO NOT DO DRUGS TO THIS SONG IT WILL MAKE YOUR BRAIN STEM EXPLODE AND FLY OUT YOUR HEAD CUZ THERE'S A CHURCH CHOIR LIKE 7 MINUTES IN AND IT IS TOTALLY OUTTA LEFT FIELD.

 


GET LUCKY
OH COOL MORE PHARRELL YELPING *YELLS "HO!" ABRUPTLY, DOES PHARRELL DANCE* I ACTUALLY FUCK WITH PHARRELL HEAVY HE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PRODUCERS SO I END UP FORGIVING THE NIGGA EVEN WHEN HE DOES THIS MARLBORO LIGHT FUNNY HAIRCUT IBIZA SHIT. I GOTTA SAY PHARRELL LYRICALLY BE SAYING SOME DUMB ASS SHIT THO BUT HE BE HARMONIZING THE FUCK OUTTA THOSE 7TH GRADE POETRY BARS. REMEMBER "ROCK STAR"? THAT WOULD BE A GREAT HIGH ENERGY KARAOKE DRUNK SONG BUT THEN THE NIGGA SAID "YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT WE SWALLOW GUYS?" WHICH BASICALLY ELIMINATES THAT SHIT FROM BEING ADDED TO MY QUEUE AFTER SEAN PAUL "GIMME THE LIGHT". IDK ABOUT YOU NIGGA BUT I AIN'T ABOUT TO BOISTEROUSLY EXCLAIM THAT I SWALLOW MEN B. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M OUT HERE TRYNA DO. THIS SOUNDS LIKE PHARRELL HAD A HAND IN PRODUCING IT THO BECAUSE IN BETWEEN THE COMPUTER BEEPING AND ELECTRIC FARTS THE BASSLINE IS VERY "FLY OR DIE" WIT IT.

 


BEYOND
OBVIOUSLY THIS IS SOME SPACE MOVIE INTRO TYPE SHIT. DUH. IF YOU'RE WRITING A MOVIE ABOUT A SPACESHIP FLYING INTO A DISTANT HORIZON AND THEN WHEN YOU ENTER THE UNKNOWN PLANETS ATMOSPHERE THE WHOLE PLANET IS JUST MAD CLONES OF WAYMAN TISDALE JERKING OFF A GIANT KENNY G MONSTER WITH A MILLION CLARINET SHAPED DICKS, THIS IS THE THEME SONG. SHOUTOUT TO STEPHEN HAWKING FOR SINGING ON THIS THO, THAT'S CRAZY I THOUGHT THE NIGGA WAS JUST SOME SUPER GENIUS ASTROPHYSICAL NIGGA BUT APPARENTLY HE ALSO IS A RECORDING ARTIST. SHOUTOUT TO DAFT PUNK FOR THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX WITH THEY FEATURES. GERARD DEPARDIEU, PHARRELL, STEPHEN HAWKING AND A NETGEAR ROUTER ALL ARE FEATURED ON HERE AND IT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE. THIS SONG IS FOR GETTING A BLOWJOB ON JUPITER B. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS SONG IS FOR.

 


MOTHERBOARD
THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD SOUND LIKE IF I WAS FLYING AROUND THE INSIDE OF A COMPUTER PLAYING A FLUTE WITH MY DICK. THAT'S IT.

 


FRAGMENTS OF TIME
DAMN MY NIGGA IF YOU HAD TO RECORD A DROP FOR THIS I WOULD BE AN EROTIC SOUNDING WOMAN BEING LIKE "D-D-D-D-D-DAD MUZIK MUZIK MUZIK *ECHO*" WHAT'S REALLY GOOD WITH THIS LITTLE ADAM LEVINE SOUNDING FUCKBOY SINGING THIS ADULT CONTEMPORARY ASS BULLSHIT OUTTA NOWHERE BRUH? SO FAR THIS SHIT HAS BEEN PRETTY SOLID ROBOT P-NO MUSIC AND OUTTA NOWHERE THIS SHIT TURNED INTO MICHAEL BUBLE'S MOST AGGRESSIVE DANCEABLE RECORD TO DATE. THIS SHIT IS THE AUDIO TRANSITION FROM THE ABILITY TO BEAR CHILDREN INTO MENOPAUSE B. THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. A LITTLE FUNKINESS SIGNIFYING A BITCH ABILITY TO CARRY A FERTILIZED ZYGOTE TO FRUITION AND THEN YOUR GRANDMA'S IDEAL VERSION OF A "HOT GUY" SINGING ABOUT FRAGMENTS SIGNIFYING YOUR UTERUS BEING OUTTA BUSINESS.

 


DOIN IT RIGHT
NIGGAS ARE DOING IT WRONG WITH THIS BLUE MAN GROUP ASS SHIT B. I AM NOT FEELING THIS AT ALL. YO SO FAR EXCEPTING LIKE TWO JOINTS THIS IS THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR DREAMS IF YOU'RE A NERD THAT DREAMS ABOUT FUCKING THE ROBOT BITCHES FROM THOSE VODKA ADS. HOLY SHIT I HAD TO SKIP THIS SHIT BEFORE IT WAS OVER IT WAS THAT BAD. I DON'T KNOW IF THE FIRST HALF OF THIS ALBUM WAS FUN BECAUSE IT WAS FUN OR IF I'M JUST REMEMBERING IT BECAUSE THE SECOND HALF OF THIS SHIT IS FUCKING AWFUL.


 


CONTACT
THEY GOT A FUCKIN ASTRONAUT TALKING ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT BLAH BLAH BLAH THEN SOME ORGANS OR WHATEVER MAN THIS FUCKIN SUCKS MY NIGGA SHEESH I GOTTA GO RINSE MY EARS OUT WITH M.O.P'S "TO THE DEATH" AFTER LISTENING TO THIS EPIC MASTERPIECE OF DIGITAL MASTURBATION. THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN SURGE PROTECTORS CRY B. THIS IS WHAT YOU WOULD FUCK TO IF YOU WERE FUCKING A SCANNER/PRINTER COMBO.



SHIT IS FINALLY OVER B.


IF YOU HAVE ASPIRATIONS OF LAUNCHING A PARISIAN NIGHTCLUB INTO OUTERSPACE AND THEN FILLING IT WITH CYBORG WOMEN WITH HEADS MADE OUTTA CASIO WATCHES THIS IS YOUR FUCKIN SHIT RIGHT HERE. IF YOU JUST WANNA DO SOME RECREATIONAL DRUGS AND DANCE THIS IS NOT YOUR SHIT RIGHT HERE. THIS IS MUSIC FOR YOUR PARENTS TO DANCE TO B. YOUR NANA WOULD CONSIDER THIS REASONABLE DANCE MUSIC. IF JOHN TESH WAS LIKE "I'M GONNA START DOING PARTIES IN VEGAS" THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD PLAY B. THERE'S SOME GOOD MUSIC ON HERE BUT OVERALL THIS IS PROSTATE EXAM MUSIC MY NIGGA. THIS IS LIKE IF YOU PUT YOUR DAD IN A MUSIC STUDIO WITH A BUNCH OF "SMOOTH JAZZ" MUSICIANS AND WAS LIKE "I BET YOU CANT MAKE A DANCE MUSIC ALBUM DAD! I BET YOU CAN'T! YOU'RE FUCKING OLD! HAHA YOU'RE AN OLD FART DAD!!" AND HE JUST GOT SO FUCKIN MAD AND WAS LIKE "I'LL FREAKING SHOW YOU PATRICK!! I'M NOT OLD!! I'M ONLY 55!! THAT'S NOT EVEN RETIREMENT AGE!!"

THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER HE EMERGES FROM THE STUDIO WITH HIS BROOKS BROTHERS SHIRT ALL WRINKLED AND UNTUCKED SMELLING LIKE MAD LIGHT BEER AND SHITTY WEED. AND SMUGLY HANDS YOU THIS ALBUM.

THEN YOU LISTEN TO THE SHIT AND IT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT YOU THOUGHT THE SHIT WAS FINNA SOUND LIKE B! THEN YOUR POPS IS HUMILIATED AND PUTS ON "THE NATIONAL" AND MERKS HIMSELF. I THINK I JUST WROTE AN "INDIE FILM". CATCH ME AT CANNES NEXT YEAR MUTHAFUCKAS.

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